Letters of Love
by Jasmine4
Summary: Remus, when reading Harry's homework finds a salacious love note to Sirius. Anger, angst and romance - oh and it's slash


Title: Letters of Love p Author: Jasmine Black p Feedback: Would be appreciated enormously and constructive feedback is particularly welcome. Let me know what you liked and what you didn't, it all helps  
  
Rating: Hard R probably in one place but for the whole pretty  
  
innocent  
  
Category: Angst and romance - ok lets say fluff! Major fluff, get  
  
the sick buckets out - I'm worried it sounds cheesy at the end?!  
  
The Challenge: 99. Remus is grading DADA essays, and finds a  
  
salacious note to Sirius on the back of Harry's paper.  
  
Angry that Sirius is involved with his own  
  
16/17-year-old godson, Remus confronts him - only to  
  
find out Sirius had no idea Harry was attracted to  
  
him. What, if anything, does Sirius do about it?  
  
This is part of the Canis_Major FQF  
  
Remus Lupin sighed as he picked up yet another of his sixth years'  
  
Defence Against The Dark Arts essays. After Sirius had been freed  
  
the previous year when he, Remus, had found Pettigrew and been  
  
hailed a national hero for bringing justice he had accepted the  
  
teaching position once again. He didn't enjoy anything more than  
  
teaching but after Snape had outed him as a werewolf three years  
  
previously he had thought returning to the job he loved would not be  
  
possible.  
  
However at times like this he sometimes wondered exactly  
  
why he enjoyed it so much. The class had obviously not remembered  
  
their work from the last few years very well and so their  
  
comparisons of three different dark creatures were on the whole  
  
rather poor with the odd exception. Smiling wryly he graded the  
  
paper, 10/10. The impish part of his brain dared him to write 2/10  
  
just to see the horror on Hermione's face as he handed it back but  
  
he resisted the urge, knowing it would be thoroughly unprofessional,  
  
despite the amusement it could bring him.  
  
"Last one Remus and then bed." He murmured softly to himself,  
  
popping the last piece of Honeyduke's chocolate into his mouth and  
  
beginning to read.  
  
"No Harry!" He groaned disappointed in one of his  
  
best students. "Where was your mind when you wrote this?!"  
  
"Talking to yourself again dear, one of the first signs of going mad you  
  
know." He heard the mirror chime in.  
  
Coming to what appeared to be the end of the below average essay, 6/10, Remus turned the paper over and placed it face down on the pile with the others. "Hang on."  
  
He realised he was still speaking to himself, taking the parchment  
  
back into his hand seeing writing on the reverse of the sheet he  
  
read studied the looped writing.  
  
"Good God!" He exclaimed; horrified by what he saw, this really  
  
couldn't be happening! Snatching a handful of powder he flung it  
  
viciously into the fire and hissed "Sirius Black". The next thing he  
  
knew he was staring out of Sirius' fireplace.  
  
"Bloody hell Moony, it's nearly midnight!" Sirius was stood, cup of cocoa in his hand,  
  
dressed in a navy satin dressing gown.  
  
"I need to talk to you." Remus growled through gritted teeth.  
  
"I'll come and see you tomorrow then or something." Sirius yawned exaggeratedly, in the hope Remus would take the hint that he was tired and needed to sleep.  
  
"That's not good enough!" Remus snapped, making no attempt to sound placid,  
  
feeling thoroughly furious with his best friend.  
  
"Look Remus, I'm tired, you look knackered and I was just going to bed."  
  
"I just called first to check you were decent to let you know I'm coming  
  
over. Now!"  
  
Sirius ran his fingers through his thick black hair. "If  
  
I take my clothes off will it mean you'll let me go to bed?"  
  
Sirius raised an eyebrow but quickly lowered it when Remus bit  
  
back, "You've had your clothes off more than enough already I think!"  
  
"What the hell is this about Moony?" Sirius had sunk back onto his  
  
sofa as Remus burst into his living room.  
  
"Harry! Harry is what this is all about."  
  
Sirius sat up straight. "Is he alright? He isn't hurt or anything?" The concern was very evident in his voice.  
  
"I'd have thought you'd know more about that than me! After all you know him  
  
much more intimately than I do!" Remus' voice trembled with  
  
anger.  
  
"Remus, would you stop talking riddles, calm down, and  
  
elaborate because I take it you haven't come over here in the dead  
  
of night just to have some supper!"  
  
Sirius' almost mocking tone didnothing to soothe Remus. "For Merlin's sake Sirius, how can you just  
  
look so bloody innocent?! The boy is sixteen years old Sirius,  
  
sixteen!"  
  
"Yes..And?" Sirius asked bewildered and vaguely amused by  
  
the enflamed face of the usually mild man before him.  
  
"Don't smirk at me Sirius! It isn't funny! I've never been so disgusted with you  
  
in my whole life! He's James' son! He's your fucking godson!" Sirius  
  
winced, Remus never cursed.  
  
"Remus I really don't know what you're implying here but I'm really  
  
confused." Sirius admitted.  
  
"You're screwing with a sixteen year old kid Sirius, he's a child! Our best friend's child! You're meant to be his guardian, protecting him! Not fucking him!"  
  
Sirius laughed suddenly. "What the hell are you on about?! That is the most  
  
ludicrous thing I have ever heard!"  
  
Remus looked as if his eyes were about to pop out of his head. "How can you be so blasé Sirius? I have proof so what's the point in lying to me?"  
  
Sirius rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand, was this actually happening or had  
  
he fallen asleep and was having a truly bizarre dream. "I'm doing no  
  
such thing Re.."  
  
He didn't get the opportunity to finish what he was saying due to the werewolf's sudden holler of, "Stop lying Sirius! I already know what's going on. You always did like young boys didn't you?"  
  
Sirius shook his head in frustrated amazement. "You are being  
  
completely irrational Remus! When you were a young boy so was I,  
  
heck you're three months older than I am so I would hardly classify  
  
yourself as a young boy! I am most certainly not involved with Harry  
  
in any shape or form other than as his parent figure. Yes he's an  
  
extremely attractive young man but."  
  
Remus butted in again yelling "So you fancy him.. What a surprise! After all you always  
  
were looking at James weren't you?"  
  
Sirius drew in a sharp breath, feeling close to slapping Remus or throwing some icy water over him, just to shut him up for two minutes, long enough to see sense!  
  
"Remus, Harry is very attractive, as was his Dad. That does not mean I'm shagging Harry and just for the record I wasn't doing James either! It was always just you and if this is some ridiculous jealous mind game because you and I didn't work out after I was freed, then you're not the person I thought you were!"  
  
"This has nothing to do with you and I Sirius. I know fine well we  
  
didn't work out because there was so much baggage between the two of  
  
us; that I accept. What I do not accept is that I have to read  
  
Harry's little love notes to you handed in with his bloody  
  
homework!" Remus ranted, his usual pallor replaced by a fiery red as  
  
his temper surged out of control.  
  
"I beg your pardon?" Sirius frowned. "Love notes?"  
  
"Will you stop playing the innocent man here Sirius, this time you are guilty!" Sirius brow furrowed even further, that had been below the belt and it had hurt. Remus was never hurtful intentionally but on this occasion he had delivered a purposeful blow and it had hit the target, bullseye.  
  
"Remus, I really wish you'd tell me what exactly is going on, I really don't understand."  
  
The pain must have showed in his eyes along with his bewilderment as Remus finally realised that Sirius was thoroughly in the dark here and was in fact telling the truth.  
  
The fairer haired man looked at the floor. "Sirius, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, it was cruel. I thought that well, you know, you and Harry. I suppose I should explain." He looked up through lowered eyelashes at his raven headed friend apologetically.  
  
"Yes you really should." Sirius was twisting his hair around his fingers, eyes boring into Remus, demanding answers.  
  
"I was grading the sixth year homework in my room tonight  
  
and I finally got to Harry's. Let's just say it wasn't his best  
  
piece of work, it was almost as if he just wasn't concentrating when  
  
he wrote it. Anyway I turned it over as I put it onto the marked  
  
pile and saw that there was writing on the back. So at first I  
  
assumed I had missed a bit of his essay but it wasn't what I  
  
expected. However, it did explain exactly where his mind had been -  
  
somewhere between up in the clouds and down in the gutter." He  
  
smiled ruefully.  
  
"So it was some kind of love note..to me?" Sirius  
  
questioned, the pieces of the jigsaw beginning to fit together in  
  
his head now. Remus nodded.  
  
"What exactly did it say?" Sirius queried, not altogether sure that  
  
he wanted to hear this.  
  
"I'll let you read it yourself." Remus' cheeks were tinged a funny shade of pink. "It's a bit graphic, I think once you read it you'll understand why I was angry."  
  
Sirius took the paper from Remus who was shifting uncomfortably in his  
  
seat, afraid of what Sirius' response might be to the salacious  
  
content of Harry's words. Taking a deep breath Sirius settled  
  
himself to read.  
  
`Sirius. Just four more days until the holidays, four more days  
  
until I am in your arms. You'll be holding me close as I nuzzle your  
  
neck, taking in that wonderful masculine scent that is specifically  
  
you. Feeling your hands on my sides as you envelop me in your secure  
  
embrace, whispering words of adoration into my ear, as we lay naked  
  
in our bed. Your lips will capture mine in a tender kiss before your  
  
tongue seeks entry into my mouth, tasting me and thrilling me. I'll  
  
slide my tongue back into that sweet warmth of your own mouth and  
  
electricity will bolt through me as I elicit a throaty groan from  
  
you.  
  
`As I lace my hands through the ebony silk of your hair yours caress  
  
my back, moving lower until they grip my buttocks, pulling me up  
  
against you, letting me feel your engorged arousal against my hip. I  
  
won't be able to prevent myself from shivering as I feel your cock  
  
against me. This feeling alone has kept me going, thinking of us  
  
together like this.  
  
`You roll on top of me. Nothing feels so wonderful as giving myself  
  
to you as I am now. You'll duck your head to kiss my neck, soft  
  
butterfly kisses before you graze my tender flesh with your teeth,  
  
soothing away the sensation with the delightful caress of your  
  
tongue. I won't be able to stop myself from pressing up with my hips  
  
and crying out from the pleasure of our erections colliding, sending  
  
shock waves through both of our bodies.  
  
`But you don't rush it, despite my eager pleas, you never do. You  
  
always draw it out, teasing me, taking me to the edge of oblivion  
  
but not letting me topple over, I hate it yet I love it, just as I  
  
truly love you. Your mouth will find my nipples, suckling and  
  
swirling, nipping and nibbling. You know how sensitive I am there,  
  
my cock will be twitching but you'll steady my bucking hips with  
  
your hand, making me wait.  
  
`That wait will be so worthwhile as you tongue fuck my navel. The  
  
sparse covering of hair on your beautiful chest feels so coarse  
  
against my aching cock, pain mixed with pleasure, what a fatal  
  
combination. But nothing compares to when you engulf me in your  
  
skilled mouth. I'll not be able to hold back from mewling in utter  
  
bliss as your clever tongue winds its way up and down my throbbing  
  
shaft, then slides over my slit, tasting me, loving me.  
  
`You'll twist your body so I can gain access to your own erection,  
  
taking it firmly in my hand I'll match your pace. My grip will  
  
tighten as you take me to that other level with a swipe of my balls  
  
with your tongue. I'll come, white lava in your mouth, as you  
  
yourself can't take anymore and shower my chest with the product of  
  
our antics.  
  
`My love for you is so strong Sirius I am now ready, ready to be  
  
taken by you. I'm ready to give my soul and being to you, though  
  
you've had my heart for as long as I've known you. My body is yours.  
  
I want to lose my virginity, my innocence to you. When I come home  
  
we'll make love, for we are in love.  
  
Until then my darling, I adore you, Harry.'  
  
Sirius dropped the parchment when he had finished reading it, his  
  
brow creased he was so perplexed. Remus looked expectantly on,  
  
scolding himself for ever thinking that this was really happening.  
  
Sirius was a decent man, he wouldn't have been having such an  
  
intense, lustful affair with Harry. They had a good relationship but  
  
it was thoroughly platonic, wasn't it? He still found himself asking  
  
the question even though his brain told him not to be so stupid. It  
  
was just that Harry's letter had been so graphic, so real, it had  
  
almost felt voyeuristic to read it.  
  
"Say something Siri.." Remus eventually pleaded, not able to bear  
  
the tension in the room any longer.  
  
"I don't know what to say." The taller man replied shaking his head. "I honestly don't know what to make of it. I'm shocked. And yes, I can understand why you came in here like some fruitcake who'd escaped from St. Mungos!"  
  
"Why?" Remus found himself asking. "Why did he write it?"  
  
Sirius snorted, not entirely sure if it was from horror or some amusement  
  
at the strangeness of the mess he was seemingly in. Remus took this  
  
to be a bad sign, when Sirius was in shock he had a tendency to  
  
behave strangely, but not like most people who went quiet, no,  
  
Sirius Black was a different story altogether. It was legendary that  
  
he had laughed all of the way to Azkaban, despite there being  
  
nothing remotely funny, just tragic.  
  
"Well either it was a joke." He paused, sincerely hoping this was  
  
the case, it would make life a lot easier! "Or, he has some major  
  
teenage hormones going around his body and he has a mammoth crush on  
  
me. And while I am well aware that I am irresistible," He winked at  
  
Remus, "I didn't plan on having my godson wanking off over me!"  
  
Remus couldn't stop the smile that tugged at his lips. It was what  
  
they had needed, Sirius to make light of what truly was a dreadful  
  
state of affairs.  
  
"Let's look at this logically." Remus said, sounding as if he was  
  
tutoring first year students. "If Harry really does feel this way  
  
why would he hand it to me, because he knows I would show you.  
  
However it may have been a complete accident and in a lapse of  
  
thought he jotted down his most private thoughts on the back of his  
  
homework. If of course it was a dare, you know what boys are like -  
  
I mean you did send Lucius Malfoy a valentines card telling him you  
  
wanted to rim him! - then the whole point was probably so we'd see  
  
it and be horrified and they'll be laughing their heads off in  
  
Gryffindor tower as we speak no doubt!"  
  
Sirius nodded. "I need to know if it was a joke or not." His face  
  
had become set in a determined stare. "I'll have to talk to him  
  
about this - I do have to live with him. It's not like I can just  
  
pretend I know nothing about it - not after reading what is probably  
  
the most graphic thing I've read in my life! And some of the things  
  
in PlayWizard are graphic!"  
  
Remus grinned, that magazine had provided the two of them with great entertainment in the early days of their relationship when all things rude appealed!  
  
"I can't possibly hand it back to him Sirius." Remus was shaking his  
  
head, thinking out loud. "And I don't want to call him to my office  
  
to discuss it, because if it is a joke I'm going to look like a  
  
major prick and it'll be round the whole school that I'm some  
  
virginal prude or something."  
  
Sirius burst out laughing, pointing at his ex-lover. "Remus Lupin, you may look sweet and innocent but you're a kinky fucker!"  
  
"Why thank you Padfoot but seriously, if it isn't a joke and I say something, well you know, it's obviously a very sensitive issue, and I'm sorry but I'm leaving this one to you.  
  
I'll tell Harry I've lost the essay after I marked it and just  
  
apologise to him."  
  
Exhaling loudly Sirius spoke up, "So I'm basically going to just  
  
have to bring this up on Saturday when he gets home?"  
  
Remus held the bridge of his nose thoughtfully. "If I was you I'd show him the  
  
letter, let him know you've got it and see what he has to say about  
  
it, don't push him, his reaction will tell you what you need to  
  
know. You've been such a great role model to him this last year  
  
Sirius, I know you'll deal with it admirably."  
  
Sirius blushed at the praise yet balked inside at the prospect of speaking with Harry. Who  
  
would have known that raising other people's children could be so difficult!  
  
Yawning Remus stood up. "I've got Harry's class first thing so I'd  
  
better be going Sirius. I'm so sorry about all of this, particularly  
  
the way I behaved."  
  
Sirius shrugged. "It's forgotten, I can fully understand the way it looked." He pulled his werewolf friend into a brotherly hug before seeing him back off through the fireplace. What exactly was he meant to do about this? His mind was reeling as he padded up the stairs to his bedroom and after removing what he was wearing slipped between the soft, cool sheets.  
  
He'd picked up the letter and read it once again by candlelight,  
  
seeing if reading it over would provide him with any answers. Sirius  
  
was horrified to feel a twinge in his groin, this was wrong; he shouldn't be turned on by his own godson! But he was.  
  
Harry's erotic words were sending blood surging to his penis and it made no  
  
difference that his brain thought this was wrong, his cock was  
  
adamant that this was very right thank you very much!  
  
Sirius was shocked to find himself imagining doing just as the love  
  
note had depicted, Harry naked, submitting to him, willingly  
  
offering his body. He heard a noise and then realised it was  
  
himself, whimpering, and his hand had wrapped around his hardened  
  
cock and was stroking, languidly and longingly.  
  
His orgasm brought him ecstasy and release, but with it guilt and  
  
sadness. What kind of sad individual had he become? Thirty eight  
  
years of age and masturbating over a hormonal sixteen year olds  
  
scribblings. Scribblings which probably had no real meaning in them.  
  
That was what Sirius hated the most, felt the greatest guilt about.  
  
He wanted there to be meaning. He wanted someone to need him, to  
  
find him attractive, to love him in that way again.  
  
Downstairs with Remus, thoughts of anything sexual with Harry were out of the  
  
question, but alone in his room it had now become a different  
  
matter. It wasn't perverted, he told himself, if he loved Harry and  
  
the feelings were reciprocated how could it be? It could be  
  
wonderful.  
  
Deep down Sirius knew he was being ridiculous and the likelihood was  
  
that Harry would be giggling away at Hogwarts at the mere thought of  
  
the shock they'd have given to meek and mild Remus, who as Sirius  
  
knew better than anyone, was far from the image the majority of  
  
people perceived him as. Sighing he flung his head back against his  
  
pillow and blew out his candle, why could nothing in life be easy,  
  
just for once?  
  
Sleep wasn't going to come quickly tonight. He'd tossed and turned,  
  
pulled the covers up higher, flung them down, had been up and down  
  
to the toilet, even counted snitches but nothing seemed to be  
  
working.  
  
"Shit!" He spat into the empty darkness. "Fucking shit!" He  
  
was shocked to feel dampness on his pillow as he turned over and  
  
became conscious of the silent tears spilling forth from his eyes.  
  
Peter Pettigrew and Azkaban had ruined his life. Killed his best  
  
friend. Killed his relationship with Remus who he had loved with all  
  
of his heart. Killed a part of him.  
  
The damage done seemed to be beyond repair and he'd resigned himself to a life of celibacy, but  
  
that wasn't what he wanted, what he needed to heal. He just ended up  
  
hurting himself and Remus when they had tried to piece things  
  
together again, both acknowledging thirteen years of pain and misery  
  
were not going to dissolve into nothing overnight. But now he was  
  
ready to be loved again, to love someone, if only that someone would  
  
let him. "Harry" He whispered to the surrounding air as sleep  
  
finally released him from his anguish.  
  
***  
  
"Erm Professor Lupin?" Harry asked his teacher when Remus was  
  
handing out the essays he'd been marking the previous night. The  
  
werewolf stifled a yawn, not having slept terribly well due to the  
  
events of yesterday evening.  
  
"Yes Harry?" He desperately hoped he wasn't blushing; he was unable to make eye contact with the boy for he was too embarrassed so appeared to be shuffling his notes.  
  
"I've not got mine back."  
  
Remus looked up briefly, trying to act confused,praying Harry wouldn't know that he knew, feeling as if he had a  
  
pink neon sign on his head flashing `I know you want to fuck my ex-  
  
boyfriend'.  
  
"Oh really?" He heard his voice shake, the lie not coming out  
  
easily. "I marked it, I specifically remember it - vampires,  
  
boggarts and dementors. Six out of ten." Harry frowned, usually he  
  
got full marks or just below. This was his best subject, supposedly.  
  
How could he ever defeat Voldemort as everyone expected him to when  
  
he couldn't write a simple essay? He knew the answer, he couldn't  
  
concentrate and it was driving him mad!  
  
"Sorry that I appear to have lost it Harry, I'll send it to Sirius if I find it after we break  
  
up."  
  
There that hadn't been too painful, and it made it look  
  
slightly less conspicuous why Sirius would have the essay. Of course  
  
Harry wasn't stupid, Remus knew, and it would be obvious that both  
  
himself and Sirius knew. Jumping suddenly he realised he was  
  
rambling in his head rather than teaching. "Page 53 class."  
  
***  
  
Harry sat very quietly on the train journey to Kings Cross. How was  
  
he ever going to manage the next few months? He'd always dreaded the  
  
holidays when he lived with the Dursley's and now he found himself  
  
dreading spending time with Sirius. Yet at the same time he couldn't  
  
think of anything he wanted more. Harry closed his eyes, just  
  
wishing it could be easier, that he could tell Sirius and everything  
  
would be ok, but he could never do that. Never in a million years.  
  
He'd sooner be Avada Kedavrad by Voldermort than confess his love,  
  
he was too ashamed.  
  
"Harry!" Hermione shook him sounding worried. He opened his eyes,  
  
pulled back to a reality he didn't want to face. Perhaps if he just  
  
closed his eyes he could dream, but that's all it could ever be, a  
  
vision. "You're awfully quiet. Are you feeling ok? It isn't your  
  
scar is it?"  
  
Sighing he shook his head. "No, just a little bit tired." It was always his scar, all everyone thought about. Famous, wonderful, miserable Boy That Lived!  
  
Everyone went on about how super and fabulous he was. So then why  
  
didn't he ever feel wonderful? His parents were killed, he grew up  
  
feeling like Oliver Twist, not daring to ask for anymore. It had  
  
been verging on child abuse! Came to Hogwarts where he felt like the  
  
token novelty, there to be gaped at and suspected of all things dark  
  
and dangerous just because he had so happened to be `lucky' and  
  
survived. There was nothing lucky about being an orphan and never  
  
having been loved properly in his life. And Sirius loved him, he  
  
just craved more, he needed that love to surround him, encompass his  
  
very being.  
  
***  
  
Harry had only been in the house long enough to put his stuff away  
  
for the summer and to have a snack but he could feel something was  
  
wrong. Sirius looked, was it nervous? "Is everything alright Sirius?  
  
You're acting strangely, is something up?" Sirius nearly laughed at  
  
the connotations of Harry's innocent statement. His cock was up, all  
  
the time. The more he thought about it the more it enveloped him so  
  
he couldn't escape! The desire for Harry absolutely phenomenal. And  
  
looking at his godson now, slim but well defined, Sirius knew if  
  
Harry really did want this he could never refuse.  
  
Taking a deep breath he knew it was now or never. "Well there is  
  
something that is slightly concerning me." The longer haired man  
  
said. "Remus found your essay and.."  
  
Harry interrupted. "I'll not do it again, I promise." He said in a disinterested drone. Sirius felt  
  
shocked, and if he was honest deeply disappointed too. He'd  
  
convinced himself that Harry did feel the way he'd written of and  
  
here was the teenager speaking of the most evoking piece of writing  
  
ever as if it was as mundane as one of Professor Binns' classes!  
  
"I know six out of ten is crap and that I can do better, spare me  
  
the lecture, Remus has already given me it." Sirius' mouth twisted.  
  
Did Harry not realise what Sirius had really been meaning? Or was  
  
Harry still playing some joke? After all he was James' son, he had  
  
to have the prank gene, a top quality one at that. Sirius'  
  
confidence plummeted, he'd known this wouldn't be easy but it felt  
  
impossible.  
  
"Harry the mark isn't the end of the world; we all do crap as you  
  
put it so eloquently sometimes. Even Remus, though he'd kill me for  
  
telling you! I think he was rather proud of the fact that he did all  
  
the homework and pulled the pranks."  
  
Harry raised an eyebrow, Sirius had always teased Remus for being a swot! "But you and Dad got better marks at school - I heard McGonagall saying."  
  
Sirius nodded. "It's true - and it wasn't fair really. Poor Remy did all  
  
the groundwork so that we did our homework and then we got better  
  
marks in the end. If he hadn't been a werewolf he'd have been top of  
  
our year Harry, he just was so ill back in those days from the  
  
transformations that he missed out on a lot."  
  
Sirius realised he had changed the subject and thought it best if he  
  
pulled himself together and went back on track. "Harry it wasn't the  
  
mark. It was something on the back of the paper." He handed the  
  
parchment to his apparently bewildered godson. Either Harry was a  
  
good actor and was rivalling the Weasley twins for this hoax or he  
  
genuinely didn't know what was on the back of his homework.  
  
Suddenly the tousle haired wizard gasped, his hand shooting to his  
  
mouth. Sirius had his answer. This had been private thoughts, very  
  
intimate, personal thoughts. In a way he felt bad knowing about  
  
them, similar to how Remus had done, yet in another way he was  
  
delighted that he did know, if it meant that things could happen, if  
  
it could be the starting point of a beautiful relationship then no  
  
harm had been done.  
  
Sirius was just about to speak when Harry fled from the room,  
  
pounding up the stairs in floods of tears. His godfather sunk onto  
  
one of the kitchen chairs. Perhaps he hadn't dealt with this as well  
  
as he could. Maybe he'd have been better not to tell Harry about the  
  
letter they'd discovered and should have probed him a little to test  
  
the waters rather than plundering on like a bull in a china shop! He  
  
could hear Harry's sobbing from downstairs and it hurt in his chest,  
  
his heart aching for the boy he loved dearly. He couldn't just leave  
  
him to cry like this, he would have to go to him.  
  
"Harry?" Sirius popped his head around the door, almost timidly. "Oh  
  
Harry." He bit his lip, seeing the younger man hugging his knees up  
  
to his body, face buried between them. "Can I talk to you?" Sirius  
  
slowly crossed the room and lowered himself onto the bed beside  
  
Harry. The sagging of the mattress caused the sobbing boy to look  
  
up, shame and hurt in his emerald eyes, his glasses having been  
  
flung down on the bedside table. He reached out to touch Harry's  
  
knee, the loud wailing having ceased but silvery tears still  
  
streaking down Harry's delicate cheekbones.  
  
Harry jerked his leg to the side hissing in a choked voice "Don't!  
  
You hate me now! You don't want me here! You're going to send me  
  
back to them! To the Dursleys!"  
  
At that moment Sirius wanted nothing more than to bundle Harry into a warm embrace and brush away his tears. "Oh Harry, why would I want to do that now?" His voice was  
  
gentle, softer than Harry had heard him use before.  
  
"Because I'm sick and perverted and the one person who has ever wanted me since  
  
Mum and Dad died has reason to hate me now!" He sobbed.  
  
"I'm not going to send you back, and I don't hate you silly."  
  
Harry looked up doubtfully. "I hate myself." He confessed, meeting Sirius'  
  
gaze momentarily before averting it. "I'm sorry Sirius." He  
  
moaned, "I've really messed up haven't I? You must think I'm weird."  
  
Sirius shook his head. "No. I just think you're unhappy and need to  
  
talk about it. Come here." He held his arms open to his godson, who  
  
hesitated for a few seconds before crawling to Sirius. "Just have a  
  
cry - it'll do you good."  
  
Harry rested his head against Sirius' broad chest, feeling his heart  
  
beating. He couldn't believe Sirius still was willing to touch him, let  
  
alone cuddle him, stroking his manic hair, rubbing gentle circles on  
  
his back, whispering soothingly in his ear. "Why do you still care  
  
about me?" He asked shakily to the older man.  
  
"Because I love you. Do you want to talk about it?" Harry thought for a moment before  
  
nodding slowly.  
  
"I just feel like I've never been really wanted. I mean yeah my  
  
friends like me and stuff but not even Ron fully understands.  
  
Merlin, he's jealous of my `celebrity status', and I'd do anything  
  
to just be me, not Harry Potter, saviour of the Wizarding World!"  
  
Sirius didn't interrupt just gave Harry and encouraging  
  
smile.  
  
"Everyone assumes they know me because of what happened when  
  
I was only a baby. I just want people to let me be myself. There are  
  
so many expectations and I'm just me inside, and I'm scared. All I  
  
want is to be wanted and loved." He sniffled.  
  
"I understand, more than you probably think. Everyone thinks they  
  
know about me. Just because I was framed for a crime I didn't  
  
commit. I know what it's like when people whisper about you in the  
  
street, stare at you as if you're a novelty when in reality they  
  
know nothing about the person, just the image that we get portrayed  
  
as."  
  
Harry nodded. "That's exactly how I feel. It's as if I'm on  
  
show all of the time and nobody lets me be myself and that's what I  
  
want more than anything else in the world."  
  
Sirius was still stroking the spiky black locks. "I know everyone  
  
wants me to defeat Voldemort, save the world, have the life of a  
  
celebrity, get married have kids - they want me to be someone who  
  
I'm not!"  
  
"In what way Harry?" Sirius felt he had to ask. "Well  
  
isn't it obvious, I'm going to be thought of as a total disgrace!  
  
How the hell am I meant to kill the most powerful wizard ever and  
  
top it off with this - I'm gay!"  
  
"I kind of worked that one out for myself." Sirius smiled  
  
wryly. "Honestly Harry though, about Voldemort, you're wrong about  
  
it. Nobody is expecting you to do anything, hell you've done more  
  
than enough already. But there is a connection between yourself and  
  
him, you'd be the first to admit it which is why you're so  
  
instrumental. You're not alone though, you don't have to bear the  
  
weight of the world on your shoulders, not at your age. We're all  
  
there with you every step of the way, nobody expects anything of  
  
you. I don't anyhow. We all know you'll do what you can and that is  
  
more than we can ask of you." Harry gave a small nod, it felt good  
  
to talk about his problems rather than keeping them bottled up.  
  
"So when did you realise you were gay?" Harry had now freed himself  
  
from Sirius and was propped up against his pillows, eyes now dry but  
  
his face red and puffy.  
  
"About a year ago I think." He wrung his hands nervously.  
  
"There's nothing wrong in being gay Harry, you  
  
can't help the way you feel. I learnt that when I was fifteen. I  
  
thought everyone would think I was a freak. And yes some bigots did,  
  
but that's what they are Harry, bigots, they don't understand that  
  
it feels right for people like us and that it isn't what we choose,  
  
it is what we are."  
  
"I'm pleased you understand, I felt thoroughly isolated." A hint of  
  
a smile appeared on Harry's face, he felt acceptance. "The others in  
  
the dorm were starting to talk about breasts and sex and all sorts  
  
and here is me thinking about manly chests and arses!" He couldn't  
  
help but give a small giggle.  
  
"Nothing wrong with a nice firm bum Harry." Sirius grinned, the tension had disappeared and they were now totally at ease with each other.  
  
"I just figured I preferred guys to girls - I'd never told anyone though - well apart from you.  
  
Well I didn't tell you, you found out." He mumbled, embarrassed  
  
about the letter.  
  
"Harry." Sirius sighed, not wanting the atmosphere to descend once  
  
again. "About the letter. Why did you write it?"  
  
Harry shrugged and blushed. "Nobody was meant to read it - Remus must think I'm a  
  
nutter!"  
  
Sirius shook his head and smiled sympathetically. "Remus  
  
thought I was a nutter and came and had a go at me for shagging you -  
  
which I put him straight about. But Remus knows what it's like to  
  
be sixteen and confused about your sexuality, and he knows more than  
  
anyone that fitting in for who you are isn't easy. He doesn't think  
  
any less of you. And I for one think more of you that we're having  
  
this conversation."  
  
"Do you not feel angry with me - I mean does it not disgust you that  
  
I thought of you like that?" Harry stammered.  
  
"I'm flattered that you find me attractive if I'm honest." Sirius admitted with a tint  
  
of pink coming to his own cheeks.  
  
"I really do." Harry found himself saying. "I know I shouldn't and that it's not moral and you're a lot older than me but I feel like I connect to you like with nobody  
  
else. Can we just forget about it all, because I know you'll never  
  
want me like that. I can cope with that, I'm just pleased you still  
  
care about me as my godfather."  
  
Sirius couldn't fail to miss the desolate tone of Harry's voice. It would be so easy to just tell  
  
Harry that he did feel the same and wanted it just as much, but it  
  
would come out all wrong, he had to be certain this was what Harry  
  
wanted and needed otherwise it would wreck their relationship, which  
  
was too much to loose.  
  
"It's alright to have a crush on me Harry, I don't find it  
  
offensive." Sirius offered, feeling out of his depth now.  
  
"It's more than a crush!" Harry blurted out before he could stop  
  
himself. "Every time I close my eyes all I see is you, you're all I  
  
want, and maybe I'm weird but it feels right. I can't concentrate  
  
because all I think about is you! I thought at first maybe it was  
  
because you understand me and because you're gay too but now I know  
  
it's more than that. I love you Sirius, and not just platonically.  
  
There I've said it. The letter wasn't a one off. Yes, I have lived  
  
in my own fantasy world because it kept me going Sirius! I'm so  
  
miserable!"  
  
The truth just ran off his tongue, no longer caged up  
  
inside.  
  
Sirius was horrified as tears began tumbling from Harry's green orbs  
  
once again. He hadn't expected Harry to be so upfront but as he  
  
pulled Harry into his arms once more he realised that Harry was just  
  
bubbling with emotion that had been locked up inside and now it was  
  
like Pandora's box, unable to stop pouring out, not mattering  
  
whether it was good or bad.  
  
"Sweetheart, I love you more than I can say, honestly I do and I  
  
know what you mean about wanting to be loved. I feel like I had  
  
everything and everyone taken away from me and I've felt so low that  
  
I was convinced I'd never be loved again."  
  
"I love you." Harry murmured, a glimmer of hope in his words.  
  
"I know that now Harry, but this isn't easy. I have to protect you, make sure that you're  
  
alright. I can't just say `right let's be together' because it could  
  
be detrimental to you. Do you understand that?" He tilted Harry's  
  
chin up to look at him and just melted at the sorrowful eyes.  
  
"I do want it Siri, it's all I want. I can see you want it too." He  
  
said hopefully. "Don't you?"  
  
Sirius felt his head nodding without conscious effort. "Harry, my love, I do but you're so important to me I don't know if it would be wrong." He could tell he was  
  
wavering, giving into his heart even though his brain kept telling  
  
him to put Harry first. But Harry wanted this too, he wasn't just  
  
thinking of himself. Harry was miserable and the only thing it  
  
appeared that would make Harry happy was to have him.  
  
"How can it be wrong when it feels right to both of us?" Harry questioned, reaching  
  
out to stroke Sirius' cheek.  
  
The touch, which was feather light, sent shivers through Sirius'  
  
body. Indeed, he thought to himself, how could it be so wrong? "Can  
  
we give it a try?" Harry asked with pleading eyes which Sirius just  
  
could not refuse. Nodding his head, giving into his heart and his  
  
desires Sirius gently tugged Harry into his lap, just holding him  
  
close and caressing his back.  
  
"So long as you're sure Harry, I want this desperately, but you come first, and if you're not happy just tell me, I never want to see you this hurt again."  
  
"You won't." Harry whispered as his nose met Sirius', nuzzling  
  
against the pale skin, drowning in the scent of the man he truly  
  
loved, feeling complete as their lips grazed each other for the  
  
first time in the most chaste of kisses. Harry tangled a hand into  
  
Sirius' silken locks as he pressed his small lips to the fuller ones  
  
of his godfather. Harry's mouth felt thoroughly delectable against  
  
his own, heat radiating from the sweet lips and Sirius didn't even  
  
attempt to suppress the small moan as Harry nervously parted his  
  
lips with his tongue.  
  
Their tongues twisted slowly together, tasting and learning the  
  
contours of one another's mouths, drawing small groans of pleasure  
  
from both of them. Eventually Harry pulled back and looked deep into  
  
Sirius' oceanic eyes. "You're so beautiful Harry." He said, heart  
  
leaping at the trusting expression on Harry's porcelain face.  
  
"That felt wonderful." Harry gasped, breathless from the intensity of the  
  
kiss. "Are you sure about this Sirius?" He had to ask, terrified  
  
he'd got so close to his dream to have it snatched away.  
  
"Certain. Let's just take it one day at a time." He kissed Harry's nose. "And  
  
I hope everyday it feels as wonderful as this." They'd both finally  
  
found their place, as themselves.  
  
THE END  
  
Yes yes, you're all vomiting from the sickliness - i always struggle  
  
with the last line - the first and last line are always the hardest  
  
to write!  
  
Hope some of you enjoyed it anyhow  
  
Jasmine  
  
xx 


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